Post by President Rufus Shinra on May 2, 2007 18:05:11 GMT -5
The writer of this article is a pinko/lefty and has an outrageous liberal UK-centric outlook.
They may even work in Local government or, worse, be an unelected eurocrat. For information on the best way to save our great nation from scum like this read the Daily Mail. (Pstt. He's probably also a commie as well; quick - tell HUAC!)
i r teh evil lolz! pheer mai fyre!
You may be looking for Kabbalah and not even know it!
“He killed Aerith...everyone sad...and oh! this quote is spoiler!!”
~ Captain Obvious on Sephiroth
“He might actually able to beat us... nah just playing with ”
~ [[Chuck Norris, Itachi, Sesshomaru]] on Sephiroth
“OMNISLASH!!!!”
~ Cloud on Sephiroth
“Whoa, big boy, pull out your large thing, but put the sword away”
~ Ryan Seacrest on Sepiroth and his huge sword
Template:Battle to see who has the bigger sword!!!
Sephiroth,A.K.A cloud killa not to be confused with David Lee Roth, was the founder and lead singer of the hit metal band, S O L D I E R.
Early Life
Sephiroth was born in 1970 in a commune in the Adirondacks, to his mother, Lucrecia, and his father, Professor Hojo. Due to his feminine looks, he was beaten up many times in junior high school and vowed to "Come back one day and kill those fuckers. Seriously. I mean it." Later, he attended Midgar High, where discovered his passion for death metal. He went to Sector 6 Community College, where he met his later band mate, Bill D. "President" Shinra. He dropped out after flunking basic calculus and airshipology and formed his first band, MaTeRiA.
The Band Years
Sephiroth, Zack, and their hoe.MaTeRiA was composed of a few of Sephiroth's college buddies who decided to quit school and learn to ROCK. The founding members were Sephiroth himself (vocalist), Mother Theresa (lead guitar), Luciano Pavarotti (drums), and Donald Duck (bass guitar). Despite early successes such as Cetra Reborn and Cosmo Rock, the band was a financial failure.
In 1995, President Shinra was found dead in a motel room in Detroit, covered with stab wounds. His son, Rufus Shinra, filled his position. Sephiroth was accused of the murder, citing an argument he'd had with President the night before, but no charges were ever filed. Reno, displeased (read: pissed out of his mind) at the new choice of guitarist, left the band and formed the rival band Reno and the Turks. The new bass guitarist, Dyne, was an admirable replacement, despite the fact that he had a gun for a hand, which he often fired into the crowd at concerts. The tragedy was not yet over, though, for in 1996 Zack was killed in a drive-by shooting outside of Midgar. The band must go on, however, and an old fraternity brother, Cloud Strife, took over the drums. Seeing this dramatic rotation of the roster, Sephiroth renamed the band S O L D I E R, and the band went on to hit the top ten seven times between 1997 and 2010, with the songs:
Bishier than You went on to become the top album of 2006, to the surprise of small children and people hiding under rocks.Stab That Bitch
Meteor
Black Materia
Calamity (From the Skies)
One-Winged Angel
Knights Of the Round
Advent Children
I'll Burn Your Village Down
Rufus! I killed your father
Tifa the Wench
Sephiroth also featured in several films including :
Dude, where's my Black materia?
Lord of the Ringpiece : The Penetration of the Ring
Lord of the Ringpiece : The Two SexToys
Lord of the Ringpiece : Return of the Felch
Star Wars Episode I : The Phantom Reunion
Star Wars Episode II : Attack of the Cetra
Star Wars Episode III : Revenge of the Stiff
Star Wars Episode V : The Life Stream Strikes Back
Star Wars Episode VI : Return of President ShinRa
Star Wars Episode VII : Advent Children
Star Wars Episode VIII : Squall is a fag
Star Wars Episode IX : WTF is Quina supposed to be?
Star Wars Episode X : Be Quiet ! This is my Story
Star Wars Episode X part 2 : Ill dance you to death
Star Wars Episode XI : World of Warcraft is better
Star Wars Epidose XII : Finally something decent
(Please note Sephiroth did appear briefly in Star Wars IV - but his scenes never made it to the final cut.
Sephiroth also featured in several advertising campaigns, including those of Mitsubishie.
Accusations against the Band
At the height of their popularity, S O L D I E R was accused of intentionally placing morally corruptive and dangerous messages in their music when the songs were played in reverse, including "Douse yourselves in Mako", "Emerald Weapon only wants to have a picnic with you", "Cait Sith is gay" and "Sephiroth is God". However, the people making these accusations were fine, upstanding and morally upright people, and thus easily ignorable. The accusations of planted messages, however, came to a climax with the "Rufus is Dead" craze.
The murder of Aeris
sniff...we will miss you aeris....PSYCHEThe band was thought to have something to do with the murder of Aeris Gainsborough, all the same none of the members other than Sephiroth had any thing to do with the murder. Sephiroth's argument that he did not have a motive was shot down when Judge Bugenhagen said: "What do you mean no motive she was the only one who could stop you from killing the planet and giving you complete power that sounds like one hell of a motive to me!!!". Even though so obvious that Sephiroth had committed the murder he had so much money that he got away with it.(Somewhat like O.J. Simpson)
Rufus is dead?
During the fall of 2006 Rufus was injured publicly in a barfight with Diamond Weapon. Due to the disfiguring nature of his injuries, he opted to remain out of the public spotlight for some time. His sudden disappearance created speculation, that he had not, in fact been injured, but rather killed. Proponents of this theory pointed to the cover of the album "Nibelheim in Flames", where a car license plate is inscribed with "21IF". Proponents argued that the 21, divided by 7 (Rufus's shoe size) came to 3, the exact number of shots Rufus had had that night! When critics pointed out that this was completely irrelevant, proponents argued that near the end of Knights of the Round, when played backwards, one could hear Cloud saying "I buried Rufus". Critics, however, argued that he was not saying "I buried Rufus" and that a more accurate rendering of his words was "Ylenol me nyip hab". This is usually when the proponents would punch the critics in the mouth, and the critics would retaliate with a chair, and basically everything would go to hell.
All rumours were dispelled, however, when Rufus showily unveiled himself during the first concert performance of Advent Children. Many theorise that this was actually bullshit taking the form of Rufus.
Advent Children
For Advent Children, Sephiroth, Dyne and Cloud teamed up with new kids on the block, Teenage Mutant Emo Sephiroth Clones. These three, err, young men? had already displayed an innovative style with songs such as "Wracking Our Bodies With Pain and Filling Our Hearts With Doubt" and "They Must Have Been Brutally Tortured." The band was inspired by Sephiroth, hence the white hair, and found it a pleasure to be working with the old master.
Unfortunately they were beaten to the number one slot by newcomer Barret Wallace. After finally winning his long legal battle with Mr. T over copyright infringing style, Barret remarketed himself as a rap artist. His debut album "I'll pop a cap in yo ass, mother-fucking chocobo!" quickly outsold Advent Children. Sephiroth got increasingly depressed, but not for long. The subsequent success of "Jenova - Memetic Legacy' won him back his place at the top of the charts.
The end of an era
All things must come to an end, however, and in 2013 Dyne was killed in a rock-climbing accident. The band, which had not had a hit song in several years, debated who was to be the replacement. Rufus supported Cait Sith, but two days later Rufus was killed by a disgruntled fan who had felt betrayed when Rufus had turned out to not, in fact, be dead. Sephiroth and Cloud decided to dissolve the band.
Cloud left to have a successful solo career, eventually joining up with Aeris, Jessie and Tifa of the hit band Improbably Shaped Girls. Together they formed a group with hit solo artists Barret, Wedge and Biggs to form AVALANCHE Club 7. Sephiroth felt left out by this and tried to withdraw from public life to spend more time with his mother. He watched Cloud's career with interest, though, and was particularly moved by AVALANCHE Club's single "Never had a dream come true, till the day that I fell through your Church roof onto some flowers".
Later Life
NO...NO...Just No...............No
Despite the passing of years, Sepiroth remained a focus for such bastions of reliable journalism as People and the National Inquirer. Still, once the media frenzy died down, Vincent Valentine and Hojo, who both had claimed to be Sephiroth's true father, attempted to meet with him. Hojo arranged a meeting between Vincent and Sephiroth, and died shortly thereafter. Sephiroth reacted violently to Vincent's presence (possibly under the influence of Mako), requiring Cloud, Vincent, and several other roadies to restrain him. No one knows exactly what happened, but the entire Earth was nearly destroyed.
Also, in 2032, Sephiroth actually went back and killed those fuckers. Afterwards, he finally got some sleep years after Advent Children.
In 2036 Sephiroth fused super-saiyan style with Kefka. This event created off-the-scale Fanboy Radiation, which caused the fabric of time and space to collapse within a five-mile radius, killing him, Kefka, and 367.2 fanboys all in one go. It has been said the funeral was spectacular, but all witnesses were killed when the corpse spontaneously combusted.
Sephiroth has been reportedly sighted in Des Moines, driving in a Yugo, very fast, with Elvis.
Sephiroth works at a McDonald's in New Mexico.
In 2134 Sephiroth, Chuck Norris, and Lu Bu had a three way fight to decide who was really the strongest person ever. The world was destroyed and no one knows who won, but it is believed they are still fighting on the moon, until people realized the moon was in fragments. the people realized they had no air and died. It is speculated that Lu Bu died instantly due to lack of oxygen.
Sephiroth became the inspiration for the movie 300, Predator, and Fight Club. 300 because he kicked ass. Predator because when he died he was laughing and nuked everything around him. Fight Club because Chuck Norris was actually he's own dellusional split persona. He wears a beard and a wig so nobody notices.
Currently, Sephiroth is working as a high school philosophy teacher and has to wear glasses which hold back his power to prevent him killing his entire class by sneezing.
Sephiroth took er jubs!
Sephiroth played the cool dark shadowy cliche'd villain that so many others have played. Guys such as Magus and Shadow lost there jobs and became angry rednecks because of Sephiroth. Theres also a group called RNAS (Red Necks Against Sephiroth). THe group is growing more and more. And there cause is to take Sephiroths JEEB so he will become and angry redneck just like them.
He soon later went into the advertising business for produce in 2035. About 10,000 fangirls starting eating healthier that year.
In fact, If Sephiroth and Chuck Norris got into any confrontation, the Universe as we know it will explode and everyone would perish except those two. To the Victor, goes the Spoils!!
They may even work in Local government or, worse, be an unelected eurocrat. For information on the best way to save our great nation from scum like this read the Daily Mail. (Pstt. He's probably also a commie as well; quick - tell HUAC!)
i r teh evil lolz! pheer mai fyre!
You may be looking for Kabbalah and not even know it!
“He killed Aerith...everyone sad...and oh! this quote is spoiler!!”
~ Captain Obvious on Sephiroth
“He might actually able to beat us... nah just playing with ”
~ [[Chuck Norris, Itachi, Sesshomaru]] on Sephiroth
“OMNISLASH!!!!”
~ Cloud on Sephiroth
“Whoa, big boy, pull out your large thing, but put the sword away”
~ Ryan Seacrest on Sepiroth and his huge sword
Template:Battle to see who has the bigger sword!!!
Sephiroth,A.K.A cloud killa not to be confused with David Lee Roth, was the founder and lead singer of the hit metal band, S O L D I E R.
Early Life
Sephiroth was born in 1970 in a commune in the Adirondacks, to his mother, Lucrecia, and his father, Professor Hojo. Due to his feminine looks, he was beaten up many times in junior high school and vowed to "Come back one day and kill those fuckers. Seriously. I mean it." Later, he attended Midgar High, where discovered his passion for death metal. He went to Sector 6 Community College, where he met his later band mate, Bill D. "President" Shinra. He dropped out after flunking basic calculus and airshipology and formed his first band, MaTeRiA.
The Band Years
Sephiroth, Zack, and their hoe.MaTeRiA was composed of a few of Sephiroth's college buddies who decided to quit school and learn to ROCK. The founding members were Sephiroth himself (vocalist), Mother Theresa (lead guitar), Luciano Pavarotti (drums), and Donald Duck (bass guitar). Despite early successes such as Cetra Reborn and Cosmo Rock, the band was a financial failure.
In 1995, President Shinra was found dead in a motel room in Detroit, covered with stab wounds. His son, Rufus Shinra, filled his position. Sephiroth was accused of the murder, citing an argument he'd had with President the night before, but no charges were ever filed. Reno, displeased (read: pissed out of his mind) at the new choice of guitarist, left the band and formed the rival band Reno and the Turks. The new bass guitarist, Dyne, was an admirable replacement, despite the fact that he had a gun for a hand, which he often fired into the crowd at concerts. The tragedy was not yet over, though, for in 1996 Zack was killed in a drive-by shooting outside of Midgar. The band must go on, however, and an old fraternity brother, Cloud Strife, took over the drums. Seeing this dramatic rotation of the roster, Sephiroth renamed the band S O L D I E R, and the band went on to hit the top ten seven times between 1997 and 2010, with the songs:
Bishier than You went on to become the top album of 2006, to the surprise of small children and people hiding under rocks.Stab That Bitch
Meteor
Black Materia
Calamity (From the Skies)
One-Winged Angel
Knights Of the Round
Advent Children
I'll Burn Your Village Down
Rufus! I killed your father
Tifa the Wench
Sephiroth also featured in several films including :
Dude, where's my Black materia?
Lord of the Ringpiece : The Penetration of the Ring
Lord of the Ringpiece : The Two SexToys
Lord of the Ringpiece : Return of the Felch
Star Wars Episode I : The Phantom Reunion
Star Wars Episode II : Attack of the Cetra
Star Wars Episode III : Revenge of the Stiff
Star Wars Episode V : The Life Stream Strikes Back
Star Wars Episode VI : Return of President ShinRa
Star Wars Episode VII : Advent Children
Star Wars Episode VIII : Squall is a fag
Star Wars Episode IX : WTF is Quina supposed to be?
Star Wars Episode X : Be Quiet ! This is my Story
Star Wars Episode X part 2 : Ill dance you to death
Star Wars Episode XI : World of Warcraft is better
Star Wars Epidose XII : Finally something decent
(Please note Sephiroth did appear briefly in Star Wars IV - but his scenes never made it to the final cut.
Sephiroth also featured in several advertising campaigns, including those of Mitsubishie.
Accusations against the Band
At the height of their popularity, S O L D I E R was accused of intentionally placing morally corruptive and dangerous messages in their music when the songs were played in reverse, including "Douse yourselves in Mako", "Emerald Weapon only wants to have a picnic with you", "Cait Sith is gay" and "Sephiroth is God". However, the people making these accusations were fine, upstanding and morally upright people, and thus easily ignorable. The accusations of planted messages, however, came to a climax with the "Rufus is Dead" craze.
The murder of Aeris
sniff...we will miss you aeris....PSYCHEThe band was thought to have something to do with the murder of Aeris Gainsborough, all the same none of the members other than Sephiroth had any thing to do with the murder. Sephiroth's argument that he did not have a motive was shot down when Judge Bugenhagen said: "What do you mean no motive she was the only one who could stop you from killing the planet and giving you complete power that sounds like one hell of a motive to me!!!". Even though so obvious that Sephiroth had committed the murder he had so much money that he got away with it.(Somewhat like O.J. Simpson)
Rufus is dead?
During the fall of 2006 Rufus was injured publicly in a barfight with Diamond Weapon. Due to the disfiguring nature of his injuries, he opted to remain out of the public spotlight for some time. His sudden disappearance created speculation, that he had not, in fact been injured, but rather killed. Proponents of this theory pointed to the cover of the album "Nibelheim in Flames", where a car license plate is inscribed with "21IF". Proponents argued that the 21, divided by 7 (Rufus's shoe size) came to 3, the exact number of shots Rufus had had that night! When critics pointed out that this was completely irrelevant, proponents argued that near the end of Knights of the Round, when played backwards, one could hear Cloud saying "I buried Rufus". Critics, however, argued that he was not saying "I buried Rufus" and that a more accurate rendering of his words was "Ylenol me nyip hab". This is usually when the proponents would punch the critics in the mouth, and the critics would retaliate with a chair, and basically everything would go to hell.
All rumours were dispelled, however, when Rufus showily unveiled himself during the first concert performance of Advent Children. Many theorise that this was actually bullshit taking the form of Rufus.
Advent Children
For Advent Children, Sephiroth, Dyne and Cloud teamed up with new kids on the block, Teenage Mutant Emo Sephiroth Clones. These three, err, young men? had already displayed an innovative style with songs such as "Wracking Our Bodies With Pain and Filling Our Hearts With Doubt" and "They Must Have Been Brutally Tortured." The band was inspired by Sephiroth, hence the white hair, and found it a pleasure to be working with the old master.
Unfortunately they were beaten to the number one slot by newcomer Barret Wallace. After finally winning his long legal battle with Mr. T over copyright infringing style, Barret remarketed himself as a rap artist. His debut album "I'll pop a cap in yo ass, mother-fucking chocobo!" quickly outsold Advent Children. Sephiroth got increasingly depressed, but not for long. The subsequent success of "Jenova - Memetic Legacy' won him back his place at the top of the charts.
The end of an era
All things must come to an end, however, and in 2013 Dyne was killed in a rock-climbing accident. The band, which had not had a hit song in several years, debated who was to be the replacement. Rufus supported Cait Sith, but two days later Rufus was killed by a disgruntled fan who had felt betrayed when Rufus had turned out to not, in fact, be dead. Sephiroth and Cloud decided to dissolve the band.
Cloud left to have a successful solo career, eventually joining up with Aeris, Jessie and Tifa of the hit band Improbably Shaped Girls. Together they formed a group with hit solo artists Barret, Wedge and Biggs to form AVALANCHE Club 7. Sephiroth felt left out by this and tried to withdraw from public life to spend more time with his mother. He watched Cloud's career with interest, though, and was particularly moved by AVALANCHE Club's single "Never had a dream come true, till the day that I fell through your Church roof onto some flowers".
Later Life
NO...NO...Just No...............No
Despite the passing of years, Sepiroth remained a focus for such bastions of reliable journalism as People and the National Inquirer. Still, once the media frenzy died down, Vincent Valentine and Hojo, who both had claimed to be Sephiroth's true father, attempted to meet with him. Hojo arranged a meeting between Vincent and Sephiroth, and died shortly thereafter. Sephiroth reacted violently to Vincent's presence (possibly under the influence of Mako), requiring Cloud, Vincent, and several other roadies to restrain him. No one knows exactly what happened, but the entire Earth was nearly destroyed.
Also, in 2032, Sephiroth actually went back and killed those fuckers. Afterwards, he finally got some sleep years after Advent Children.
In 2036 Sephiroth fused super-saiyan style with Kefka. This event created off-the-scale Fanboy Radiation, which caused the fabric of time and space to collapse within a five-mile radius, killing him, Kefka, and 367.2 fanboys all in one go. It has been said the funeral was spectacular, but all witnesses were killed when the corpse spontaneously combusted.
Sephiroth has been reportedly sighted in Des Moines, driving in a Yugo, very fast, with Elvis.
Sephiroth works at a McDonald's in New Mexico.
In 2134 Sephiroth, Chuck Norris, and Lu Bu had a three way fight to decide who was really the strongest person ever. The world was destroyed and no one knows who won, but it is believed they are still fighting on the moon, until people realized the moon was in fragments. the people realized they had no air and died. It is speculated that Lu Bu died instantly due to lack of oxygen.
Sephiroth became the inspiration for the movie 300, Predator, and Fight Club. 300 because he kicked ass. Predator because when he died he was laughing and nuked everything around him. Fight Club because Chuck Norris was actually he's own dellusional split persona. He wears a beard and a wig so nobody notices.
Currently, Sephiroth is working as a high school philosophy teacher and has to wear glasses which hold back his power to prevent him killing his entire class by sneezing.
Sephiroth took er jubs!
Sephiroth played the cool dark shadowy cliche'd villain that so many others have played. Guys such as Magus and Shadow lost there jobs and became angry rednecks because of Sephiroth. Theres also a group called RNAS (Red Necks Against Sephiroth). THe group is growing more and more. And there cause is to take Sephiroths JEEB so he will become and angry redneck just like them.
He soon later went into the advertising business for produce in 2035. About 10,000 fangirls starting eating healthier that year.
In fact, If Sephiroth and Chuck Norris got into any confrontation, the Universe as we know it will explode and everyone would perish except those two. To the Victor, goes the Spoils!!
