Post by President Rufus Shinra on May 2, 2007 18:24:35 GMT -5
Aeris dies, in what is, as the name suggests, the final game in the Fantasy Seven series. It is notable for being one of the longest games ever made, and the only RPG with a playing time measured in square hours. (The game cannot be played in normal, linear time, as the universe would have collapsed before one had completed disk two.) The object of this game is to power-level Aeris, the Aquatic Goddess of Starcraft, as much as you can before Oedipus Rex kills her.
Although it has been disputed, Final Fantasy VII is generally considered to be the only game ever made.
Making the Game
The game was made by Roundhard Corporation. The idea was that the game would tackle numerous political and social issues of the day, and to acheive this end, the credits boast a crack team of sociologists and political philosophers that included John Locke (floor programming), Jean-Jacques Rousseau (grass and dandelion design), Thomas Malthus (manager of the letter 'B'), John Stuart Mills (Actor: Delivery Boy #27), and Bono (lead programmer, designer, project manager, dictator-for-life, grand poobah, Sephiroths mother, and Klinny Danton's representative on Earth.)
However, the team tended to waste time on holding debates and writing essays, so Roundhard decided to end their nine-to-five working days, and replace them with a 'grand, year-long office tournament.' Locked and sealed inside an open-plan office for an entire year, each given a deadly weapon(such as a metal bottle cap), the team were ordered to 'fight out' a finished game. Shi Di Pureya, CEO of Roundhard, personally locked the door in a dramatic keycard-swiping ceremony. With a flourish, the card was swiped, the door was locked, and the screams (or, in one case, the chorus of 'It's a Beautiful Day') began.
The door was re-opened one year later in a shabby re-opening ceremony, attended only by Shi Di Pureya and Bugi Nitesu, a paper-shredder repair boy. What would they find inside? The card was swiped, the door was opened, and a resounding cry of 'For the Greater Good!' was heard within. Shi Di and Bugi entered cautiously. Inside, they found that the entire team was still alive, and further more, had created the perfect society. Despite the fact that their only source of nutrition was a coffee machine, which only contained one weeks supply of coffee, and an interns boxer-shorts, the team had gained sustainance with a revolutionary system of 'imaginary agriculture'. They had also, with only the materials available in a standard open-plan office, created teleportation devices, an unlimited supply of power, great sculptures, paintings, and works of literature, a complete philosophy of everything, and all lived in perfect harmony(except for the intern).
How had they acheived this? Had Jean-Jacques created a universally acceptable social contract? Had Millsie created an equation to calculate moral happiness? The team explained that, in fact, they had managed all this because Bono had 'treated them mean and kept them keen.'
But what Shi Di wanted to know was 'Have you finished final seven yet?' The answer, coming from Bono, was 'No.' Actually, Bono's answer was not that simple, since he now considered himself a God, and only communicated through the Bible Code. But we won't go into that now.
Anyway, Shi Di was a bit mardy that his revolutionary approach to employee motivation had completely failed, and so he massacared the team with a biro. Their disembodied ghosts entered Bugi's body, giving the lad amazing sociology powers.
With these, Bugi managed to create the entire game by himself. He didn't even ask for a reward, taking only his paper-shredder repairer's salary, with a bit extra to buy some flowers for his girlfriend. In honour of his integrity and skill, Shi Di unveiled a small blu-tack statue of Bugi that he had made himself.
The Story
Disc 1
The story opens on the mighty, floating space city of Auralcex. The city is split into two levels. On the top level, a rich, powerful elite enjoy a leisured life with robotic mice to tend to their every need. However, the downtrodden masses live on the bottom level. It is a terrible place. The people are forced to live within nuclear bombs, and any sudden movements will cause a whole neigbourhood to blow up. The only food stuffs available are excrement, liquified babies, or a state-sponsored drug-drink that turns you into a mindless slave. Truth, beauty, freedom and love are banned, and mass brainwashing campaigns exist to ensure that anyone who thinks about such things commits suicide out of disgust (see also Channel 5.) Evil robots have taken over, raping, killing, and enslaving at will. Their entire lives are overseen by a mutatedly fat, bloated, 20-foot giant known as Big Mother-fucker. No-one does anything without Big Mother-fucker watching them. People are executed when they reach 40, torture and death are considered TV entertainment, and worst of all, downloading copyrighted files is illegal. It's really not a nice place.
You play Cloud Strife, a young Delivery boy, who one day reads one of the documents he should really be delivering. It is a newspaper, The Daily Lefty Pinko Whinge, and it makes Cloud Strife realise what a bad place the bottom level really is. He seeks out the editor, Mr T, and after a long discussion where the word 'fool' was bandied back and forth repeatedly, decide to settle their disputes through a boxing match. Cloud tries to explain that they don't have any disputes, but Mr T's brain has been addled by too much drug-drink. Fortunately, Cloud was a champion boxer, and wowed T with some of the best right hooks he'd ever seen.
Settling down, Mr T explains to Cloud that he has been repeatedly knocked back in his attempts to conquer the bottom Auralcex newspaper market. The main problem is that in a city where someone is considered an 'intellectual' if their mouth moves in sync to what they are saying, very few people can read. Cloud decides to help Mr T with his paper. Fortunately, Cloud is an expert in such matters. He points out to T that to appeal to a wider audience, they need more nipples, more scandalous celebrity gossip, and more perverted agony aunt columns. With Cloud's help, the Daily Lefto Pinko Whinge becomes a hit, and soon a small crowd gathers around their office, ready to help fight back against their cruel opressors. Cloud gathers this small band of men into a terrorist cell known as AVALANCHE. Often, mere mention of the name is enough to ensure their enemies bow into their demands (that scary, all-capitals way of writing is really very shouty and rude). However, in a dramatic climax scene at the end of Disk 1, Mr T calls Cloud a 'Fool', and changes the name of AVALANCHE to 'a team'. This he later changes to 'the a team'. In the closing scene of Disk 1, Cloud asks T why he didn't call it 'A The-Team'. Mr T calls him a fool.
Disc 2
At the end of Disk 1, Mr T, Cloud, and some other members of the A Team drove their van through the wall of Auralcex. But how can a van break through a massive, fortified wall of steel? This is explained at the start of Disk 2; it is a magic van.
T, Cloud and the A Team drive around the planet fighting crime, putting a stop to such misdemeanours as draining the planet's energy, abusing the crystals, letting youth groups go without proper milk education etc. However, Cloud muses 'there must be more to life than doing good for all mankind and saving the world', and decides to settle down with a nice girl. He knows just the lass; Sili Mu, daughter of the King of Auralcex. He gets T to drive the van off to the city. In a mad, adrenaline-fuelled whirlwind of van-barging, fool-saying, and mystery-solving, Cloud eventually comes face to face with King President, leader of Auralcex. After listening to Cloud's request for his daughter's hand in marriage, he tells Strife that any man who wishes to marry Sili Mu must first complete a challenge. Firstly, Cloud must fetch the Ruby Ring from the red dragon.
After an epic quest, involving a war between man and monkey, a global Communist plot, a mad drug-running criminal enterprise, and the shocking twist that Mr T was christened 'Mr Q', Cloud eventually seizes the Ruby Ring.
There is also an optional sidequest, involving Cloud destroying the One Ring in a volcano, thereby saving the earth from ultimate evil. On completion of this quest, Cloud receives a potion.
In the closing scene of Disk 2, Cloud reflects on his many adventures, thinking that now he will have a well-deserved rest. Mr T calls him a fool.
Disc 3
Returning to Auralcex, Cloud gives the Ruby Ring to King President. The King then reveals there is a second part to the challenge; Cloud must fetch the Emerald Ring from the green dragon.
After an epic quest, involving the dolphins taking over, the robots taking over, the trade unionists taking over, and the shocking twist that tomatoes are really a fruit, Cloud eventually seizes the Emerald Ring.
There is also an optional sidequest, involving Cloud sacrificing himself to save all mankind and redeem them from their sins. On completion of this quest, Cloud receives an ether.
In the closing scene of Disk 3, Cloud remembers his punk-ass twin brother Zack, and how he claimed the mighty weapon known as 'The Buster Sword'. Mr. T pities the sword and calls him a fool.
Disc 4
Returning to Auralcex, Cloud gives the Emerald Ring to King President. The King then reveals there is a third part to the challenge; Cloud must fetch the Sapphire Ring from the blue dragon.
After an epic quest, involving the rise and fall of protest rock music, the rise and fall of genetic engineering as a political tool, the rise and fall of a wise-cracking imperialist, and the shocking twist that Soylent Green is people, Cloud eventually seizes the Sapphire Ring.
There is also an optional sidequest, involving Cloud saving the galaxy from the dark side of the force and restoring the power of the light side. On completion of this quest, Cloud receives a Phoenix Down.
Returning to Auralcex, the King agrees that Cloud has completed his challenge and grants him an audience with his daughter, the fair princess Sili Mu.
'It's just up these stairs,' says King President.
However, 'these stairs' turn out to be BRUTAL KILLING STAIRS. Cloud enters a deadly fight with the game's final bosses, Jehovah, Jamocha, Jamiroquai, and Sabembermoff. Cloud is eventually victorious and enters the princess' private chamber.
Princess Sili Mu is indeed beautiful. Cloud introduces himself.
'Do you have the Ruby Ring?' asks she.
Cloud replies that he does.
'And do you have Emerald Ring?
Cloud answers to the affirmative.
'Ah, but do you have the Sapphire Ring?'
'Yes! So, fair princess, will you marry me?'
'No.'
Then the princess calls him a fool, at which point Cloud Strife realizes that she is actually Mr. T.
Then, Cloud tells Mr.T,
"Yo mamma so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter!"
He then runs of giggling like Peter Griffin.
The End
[edit] Missing Discs
Reportedly, two more discs for the game were made. One was a wide-expanding look into the soul of each and every character of the game, and the other has naked Tifa pictures. Neither were released with the game, for reasons mysteriously unknown.
Although it has been disputed, Final Fantasy VII is generally considered to be the only game ever made.
Making the Game
The game was made by Roundhard Corporation. The idea was that the game would tackle numerous political and social issues of the day, and to acheive this end, the credits boast a crack team of sociologists and political philosophers that included John Locke (floor programming), Jean-Jacques Rousseau (grass and dandelion design), Thomas Malthus (manager of the letter 'B'), John Stuart Mills (Actor: Delivery Boy #27), and Bono (lead programmer, designer, project manager, dictator-for-life, grand poobah, Sephiroths mother, and Klinny Danton's representative on Earth.)
However, the team tended to waste time on holding debates and writing essays, so Roundhard decided to end their nine-to-five working days, and replace them with a 'grand, year-long office tournament.' Locked and sealed inside an open-plan office for an entire year, each given a deadly weapon(such as a metal bottle cap), the team were ordered to 'fight out' a finished game. Shi Di Pureya, CEO of Roundhard, personally locked the door in a dramatic keycard-swiping ceremony. With a flourish, the card was swiped, the door was locked, and the screams (or, in one case, the chorus of 'It's a Beautiful Day') began.
The door was re-opened one year later in a shabby re-opening ceremony, attended only by Shi Di Pureya and Bugi Nitesu, a paper-shredder repair boy. What would they find inside? The card was swiped, the door was opened, and a resounding cry of 'For the Greater Good!' was heard within. Shi Di and Bugi entered cautiously. Inside, they found that the entire team was still alive, and further more, had created the perfect society. Despite the fact that their only source of nutrition was a coffee machine, which only contained one weeks supply of coffee, and an interns boxer-shorts, the team had gained sustainance with a revolutionary system of 'imaginary agriculture'. They had also, with only the materials available in a standard open-plan office, created teleportation devices, an unlimited supply of power, great sculptures, paintings, and works of literature, a complete philosophy of everything, and all lived in perfect harmony(except for the intern).
How had they acheived this? Had Jean-Jacques created a universally acceptable social contract? Had Millsie created an equation to calculate moral happiness? The team explained that, in fact, they had managed all this because Bono had 'treated them mean and kept them keen.'
But what Shi Di wanted to know was 'Have you finished final seven yet?' The answer, coming from Bono, was 'No.' Actually, Bono's answer was not that simple, since he now considered himself a God, and only communicated through the Bible Code. But we won't go into that now.
Anyway, Shi Di was a bit mardy that his revolutionary approach to employee motivation had completely failed, and so he massacared the team with a biro. Their disembodied ghosts entered Bugi's body, giving the lad amazing sociology powers.
With these, Bugi managed to create the entire game by himself. He didn't even ask for a reward, taking only his paper-shredder repairer's salary, with a bit extra to buy some flowers for his girlfriend. In honour of his integrity and skill, Shi Di unveiled a small blu-tack statue of Bugi that he had made himself.
The Story
Disc 1
The story opens on the mighty, floating space city of Auralcex. The city is split into two levels. On the top level, a rich, powerful elite enjoy a leisured life with robotic mice to tend to their every need. However, the downtrodden masses live on the bottom level. It is a terrible place. The people are forced to live within nuclear bombs, and any sudden movements will cause a whole neigbourhood to blow up. The only food stuffs available are excrement, liquified babies, or a state-sponsored drug-drink that turns you into a mindless slave. Truth, beauty, freedom and love are banned, and mass brainwashing campaigns exist to ensure that anyone who thinks about such things commits suicide out of disgust (see also Channel 5.) Evil robots have taken over, raping, killing, and enslaving at will. Their entire lives are overseen by a mutatedly fat, bloated, 20-foot giant known as Big Mother-fucker. No-one does anything without Big Mother-fucker watching them. People are executed when they reach 40, torture and death are considered TV entertainment, and worst of all, downloading copyrighted files is illegal. It's really not a nice place.
You play Cloud Strife, a young Delivery boy, who one day reads one of the documents he should really be delivering. It is a newspaper, The Daily Lefty Pinko Whinge, and it makes Cloud Strife realise what a bad place the bottom level really is. He seeks out the editor, Mr T, and after a long discussion where the word 'fool' was bandied back and forth repeatedly, decide to settle their disputes through a boxing match. Cloud tries to explain that they don't have any disputes, but Mr T's brain has been addled by too much drug-drink. Fortunately, Cloud was a champion boxer, and wowed T with some of the best right hooks he'd ever seen.
Settling down, Mr T explains to Cloud that he has been repeatedly knocked back in his attempts to conquer the bottom Auralcex newspaper market. The main problem is that in a city where someone is considered an 'intellectual' if their mouth moves in sync to what they are saying, very few people can read. Cloud decides to help Mr T with his paper. Fortunately, Cloud is an expert in such matters. He points out to T that to appeal to a wider audience, they need more nipples, more scandalous celebrity gossip, and more perverted agony aunt columns. With Cloud's help, the Daily Lefto Pinko Whinge becomes a hit, and soon a small crowd gathers around their office, ready to help fight back against their cruel opressors. Cloud gathers this small band of men into a terrorist cell known as AVALANCHE. Often, mere mention of the name is enough to ensure their enemies bow into their demands (that scary, all-capitals way of writing is really very shouty and rude). However, in a dramatic climax scene at the end of Disk 1, Mr T calls Cloud a 'Fool', and changes the name of AVALANCHE to 'a team'. This he later changes to 'the a team'. In the closing scene of Disk 1, Cloud asks T why he didn't call it 'A The-Team'. Mr T calls him a fool.
Disc 2
At the end of Disk 1, Mr T, Cloud, and some other members of the A Team drove their van through the wall of Auralcex. But how can a van break through a massive, fortified wall of steel? This is explained at the start of Disk 2; it is a magic van.
T, Cloud and the A Team drive around the planet fighting crime, putting a stop to such misdemeanours as draining the planet's energy, abusing the crystals, letting youth groups go without proper milk education etc. However, Cloud muses 'there must be more to life than doing good for all mankind and saving the world', and decides to settle down with a nice girl. He knows just the lass; Sili Mu, daughter of the King of Auralcex. He gets T to drive the van off to the city. In a mad, adrenaline-fuelled whirlwind of van-barging, fool-saying, and mystery-solving, Cloud eventually comes face to face with King President, leader of Auralcex. After listening to Cloud's request for his daughter's hand in marriage, he tells Strife that any man who wishes to marry Sili Mu must first complete a challenge. Firstly, Cloud must fetch the Ruby Ring from the red dragon.
After an epic quest, involving a war between man and monkey, a global Communist plot, a mad drug-running criminal enterprise, and the shocking twist that Mr T was christened 'Mr Q', Cloud eventually seizes the Ruby Ring.
There is also an optional sidequest, involving Cloud destroying the One Ring in a volcano, thereby saving the earth from ultimate evil. On completion of this quest, Cloud receives a potion.
In the closing scene of Disk 2, Cloud reflects on his many adventures, thinking that now he will have a well-deserved rest. Mr T calls him a fool.
Disc 3
Returning to Auralcex, Cloud gives the Ruby Ring to King President. The King then reveals there is a second part to the challenge; Cloud must fetch the Emerald Ring from the green dragon.
After an epic quest, involving the dolphins taking over, the robots taking over, the trade unionists taking over, and the shocking twist that tomatoes are really a fruit, Cloud eventually seizes the Emerald Ring.
There is also an optional sidequest, involving Cloud sacrificing himself to save all mankind and redeem them from their sins. On completion of this quest, Cloud receives an ether.
In the closing scene of Disk 3, Cloud remembers his punk-ass twin brother Zack, and how he claimed the mighty weapon known as 'The Buster Sword'. Mr. T pities the sword and calls him a fool.
Disc 4
Returning to Auralcex, Cloud gives the Emerald Ring to King President. The King then reveals there is a third part to the challenge; Cloud must fetch the Sapphire Ring from the blue dragon.
After an epic quest, involving the rise and fall of protest rock music, the rise and fall of genetic engineering as a political tool, the rise and fall of a wise-cracking imperialist, and the shocking twist that Soylent Green is people, Cloud eventually seizes the Sapphire Ring.
There is also an optional sidequest, involving Cloud saving the galaxy from the dark side of the force and restoring the power of the light side. On completion of this quest, Cloud receives a Phoenix Down.
Returning to Auralcex, the King agrees that Cloud has completed his challenge and grants him an audience with his daughter, the fair princess Sili Mu.
'It's just up these stairs,' says King President.
However, 'these stairs' turn out to be BRUTAL KILLING STAIRS. Cloud enters a deadly fight with the game's final bosses, Jehovah, Jamocha, Jamiroquai, and Sabembermoff. Cloud is eventually victorious and enters the princess' private chamber.
Princess Sili Mu is indeed beautiful. Cloud introduces himself.
'Do you have the Ruby Ring?' asks she.
Cloud replies that he does.
'And do you have Emerald Ring?
Cloud answers to the affirmative.
'Ah, but do you have the Sapphire Ring?'
'Yes! So, fair princess, will you marry me?'
'No.'
Then the princess calls him a fool, at which point Cloud Strife realizes that she is actually Mr. T.
Then, Cloud tells Mr.T,
"Yo mamma so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter!"
He then runs of giggling like Peter Griffin.
The End
[edit] Missing Discs
Reportedly, two more discs for the game were made. One was a wide-expanding look into the soul of each and every character of the game, and the other has naked Tifa pictures. Neither were released with the game, for reasons mysteriously unknown.
